Self criticism and how we often find ourselves feeding repetitive thoughts that hurt us

Let’s say you wrote an e-mail to a friend or colleague, and days go by before you hear back from them. At first you think: “maybe they are too busy”, happens to me too…

More days go by and you start to wonder “did I offend them in some way?” or “maybe they don’t like me”. More days pass, and your mind is spinning in all kinds of self criticism and negative, self defeating, repetitive thoughts.

We all have worries, fears of rejection, of being blamed, excluded

Let’s admit: we all have this, even the ones who act as if they trust they are the best people in the world. These negative thoughts are denser lines of thought / feeling, that divide us internally, making us feel separate from the Source of Love. And the reality is, they cut us off from the awareness of the web of Love that is always holding and weaving us together in Oneness.

The attitude we hold towards ourselves can either heal or keep us separate

While it is essential that we face our own shadow side and confront our shortcomings, the attitude we hold towards ourselves is crucial in how self examination can help our growth or can, otherwise, fuel mental habits that crush us under repetitive self blame and separation.

For those who blame themselves. Even when successful they think they could have done better, and are never content with their efforts or the results. They are hardworking and suffer much from the faults they attach to themselves. Sometimes if there is any mistake it is due to another, but they will claim responsibility even for that.

Julian Barnard on Pine – from the book Bach Flower Remedies, the essence within

Recent Neuroscience has shown that worries, repetitive thoughts and self blame are the default state of the idle human mind

It is not you, or me, but it is how our brains have evolved: when not fully focused on specific activities, our minds tend to wander into “what may be wrong”, either now, in the future or in the past.

Kelly McGonigal in her brilliant audio book “The Neuroscience of Change“, explains the science behind this, in ways that make it very clear: this is our default state.

Left to our own devices, we will go into a loop of wondering what is wrong, or what will go wrong, worrying about the future or regretting something we did, or did not do, in the past…

Changing our mental habit patterns is our individual responsibility

The fact is, each one of us needs to take responsibility for our own mental habits. And it is up to each one of us to practice and build neural pathways that are helpful for us, that support us in feeling better, so that we can give our best to this world. Otherwise, our “operational system” will be ruled by a collective habitual set of conditionings that feed anxiety, judgement and separation.

Practices like meditation and / or other methodic and focused transformational habits, are at the base of any fundamental change in this. But I want you to know that Flower Essences can truly help aid the process, imparting a sense of what it feels like to experience a quieter mind, and to hold yourself in acceptance and compassion.

White Chestnut Aesculus hippocastanum (white with pink, red & yellow centers)

Positive qualities: Tranquil disposition, spacious mental state that transcends personal or petty thoughts
Patterns of imbalance: Worry-bound repetitive thoughts, chattering mind; restless and agitated mental condition; insomnia

Attention focused on the Heart center, trusting I am loved

In this particular situation that I started sharing above, I kept bringing myself back to the focus on my heart, trusting that I am loved, and that my friend is just too busy, maybe traveling or engaged in some project that does not allow time for e-mail. And that even if there is some action or behavior of mine that was not good, that I can be understood, accepted, included.

And that he or she will get back to me soon. So every time I thought of it I would send this message of trust from my heart, knowing they feel the best towards our interaction and towards me.

And guess what: it works!
For the case that inspired the post, the answer I had been waiting for did come through:

“Your e-mail came just when we were… So I am just now catching up with e-mail… etc…“